Safe environment vs kids life skills

How can we provide an environment in which children feel safe?

This question of whether and how much the adult world is able to assist children to feel safe is not being asked frequently enough. Instead, we  are putting too much effort onto providing a ‘safe’ environment. As I will show later in the essay, a safe environment is not only unlikely to occur but also not recommended. However, working together to provide a protective environment is the responsibility of the adult world, along with assisting children to feel safe.  By focusing their efforts towards equipping the children with essential life skills that will help them be safe and in control in any kind of environment, the adult world, including parents and practitioners will empower children to live a happy, secure and as self reliant as possible, childhood.

This essay is written from the perspective of a parent with two children aged 4 and 5. I will focus my answer on children that are cared for by their own families and that, despite living in an atmosphere of relative safety and protection, are not feeling safe on their own, outside the family home.

I will start my answer with defining terms such as ‘adult world’ and exploring the differences between ‘safe environment’ and ‘protective environment’; the meanings of  ‘safe’:  ‘being’, ‘staying’ and ‘feeling’ safe. I will continue with describing some of the ways in which children can be assisted in feeling safer.

The ‘adult world’ includes many agents that have a role in safeguarding the children and a duty to create a protective environment for children. One such agent is the government who must provide legislation that facilitates and promotes and, where necessary, enforces children’s rights to a protective environment: governments should “implement laws to protect children from abuse, exploitation and violence … [and] prosecute perpetrators of crimes against children” (Childhood Under Threat report, 2004). Other agents with a duty to safeguard children such as schools, social services, police, doctors, parents, children’s organizations, and the rest of the adult world, must operate in accordance with the law and, where necessary, influence the process of law making in order to create or improve the protective environment because this a collective responsibility.

To create a protective environment, the adult world must prioritize identifying children at risk of abuse; reducing child poverty and social exclusion and joining up different agents’ efforts to protect children at all times, from abuse, exploitation, crime, neglect and violence . Although, the adult world’s efforts to build a protective environment is continuously improving and does achieve some positive results, cases of children being victims of violence, crime and abuse are still being reported regularly in the press which could mean that focusing on the environment (i.e, banning the sale of alcohol and tobacco to underage persons ), when trying to create a protective environment is not enough. More is needed and that is shifting the focus on equipping the children with tools for staying safe. An equipped child, knows his parents and carers phone number and addresses by heart, knows his rights, understands that should any threat come his way, there are people and organizations that he can turn to for help, he is not afraid to talk to strangers but knows to keep a reasonable distance from them, ( i.e not getting in their cars of houses) and much more. Knowledge and information are vital tools for assisting children to stay safe. The adult world should ensure “that children know their rights, and… given the vital information and skills they need to protect themselves from abuse and exploitation.” (Childhood under Threat report 2004). Campaigns aimed to reach and inform everyone, especially children, about issues such as domestic violence, bullying and the help that is available for victims are important. Childline is a free phone helpline for children with problems. Their phone number should be taught in schools and memorized by all children. The National Charity Kidscape encourages self reliance and aims to prevent harm by providing practical skills.  Their street sense leaflet “Dos and Don’ts” is an excellent example of how information can encourage the children to enjoy going out while taking responsibility for their own safety. Life Education Center, focuses on informing children about drug and health issues which empowers young people to make informed choices. These organizations aimed at safeguarding children are part of the protective environment. Informing children of their existence and accessibility are a way to assist children to feel safe and to give them confidence that, whatever the danger, there is help available to them.

The different meanings of ‘safe’.

‘Being safe’ for a child means living in a ‘safe’ environment. At its best, a safe environment would protect children against other risks such as traffic, bullying, alcohol, tobacco, peer pressure, dangerous games, fire and deep water, and so on. A completely safe environment is not recommended, as it deprives children from exposure to risk and opportunities of learning to solve problems and deal with difficult situations.

Staying safe is the child’s ability to deal with his environment, safe or not. Once a child is equipped with skills for staying safe, he will also feel safer. When asked about their fears, children and young people reported fears such as: being pulled in a car, being followed, watched, offered drugs, shot, and attacked by a stranger. Many of the fears expressed do not correlate with actual risks. I propose a problem solving approach to childhood fears. Fears and anxieties are seen as problems that should be discussed, possible solutions found, best solution picked and applied, outcomes monitored and discussed again.  Such a problem solving approach, once learned and used several times, can become a good habit that can assist children deal with all their fears (justified or not) and feel safe.

I understand ‘feeling safe’ as a state of mind that reflects how the child perceives the environment and how confident he is that he can handle the circumstances he is in. Some children can feel quite safe …in profoundly unsafe circumstances while others can feel highly anxious in…relatively stable situations. . This high unjustified anxiety could be down to lack of experience, insufficient exposure to risk and opportunities to develop resilience, in other words an excessively protective environment. I already showed that knowledge and information allows a child to feel safe and increases his effective safety. What is left, is to talk about the adult’s anxieties and attitudes towards children as important factors that can make or break a child’s feeling of safety. 

Parents are anxious that their children could be victims of kidnapping, accidents, abuse, bullying.  To reduce their anxiety and allow their children more outdoor play and more freedom, parents are hoping that relevant agents will …reduce the speed limits on residential roads; …report child abduction responsibly; put authority figures in places where children want to play. As good as these solutions sound, I argue that parents must reflect on their own anxieties about contemporary society and accept that eliminating all risks around their children is not only impossible but also detrimental for the child because such efforts is depriving the child of valuable opportunities to learn to overcome difficulties, solve problems, develop resilience and stay safe without adult assistance. An authority figure strategically placed in a playground for example, would feel obliged to restrict children’s freedom to engage in a life threatening activity such as tree climbing. Tree climbing is just one of those risk taking activities that are important to children’s development and should not be restricted, but encouraged, Scandinavian countries encourages dangerous play; primary schools encourages children to climb higher than the day before.
  As a result, Scandinavian children feel safer and are more disposed to take manageable risks, without unrational fears.

Once I noticed a young girl alone on a London underground train. The young girl explained that she got herself to and from school everyday on the Tube. She knew what station and platform because she had been shown by her mother and father who were both at work. She counted the stations so she knew that she had to get off after five stops. My initial thought was that the girl’s parents were irresponsible, but after more careful consideration I started suspecting that  it is our well meaning intentions of keeping children 'safe' that actually limits their ability to be safe.  I suggest that such ‘irresponsible’ parenting should be imitated. The little girl, having previously been informed about the dangers of public spaces and the ways to deal with such dangers and taught the way to school and back, was being exposed to manageable risk and allowed to take good care of herself, which can only lead to building up confidence, independence, self esteem and last but not least, feeling safe.

When asked what would help them stay safe from dangers, only 5% of children listed knowing “road safety and your Green Cross Code“. Many children listed staying with an adult, family or known people and not talking with strangers, as ways to stay safe. This shows that children should be allowed more freedom and be encouraged to be more self reliant. We, the adults, used to have more right and duty of looking after ourselves than we allow our children. Consequently, our liberties, abilities and feelings of safety were higher than our children’s. This is a clear hint that the adult world should let go of its fears and anxieties, which are statistically unjustified and gradually start to allow and trust the children to play in the park unsupervised, take themselves to and back from school, safely cross the street, protect themselves from the dangers that are lurking about where least expected, regardless of adults’ efforts  to prevent any harm and sanitise the environment.  

Therefore, we adults should ask ourselves more often how we can assist children in feeling safe. We will find that, in addition to providing a protective environment, equipping the children with information and knowledge and problem solving skills; gradually entrusting them with the task of keeping themselves safe; exposing them to manageable risks;   allowing them a little more freedom are just few of the ways in which we can help them not only feel safe, but also live a happy, secure and self reliant childhood. 

: Each story offers basic personalization options, including adding a child’s name, unique qualities, and names of parents or caregivers. In addition, customize the story’s main character! Choose eye color, hair color, style and length, and skin tone to resemble the child’s. Complete each book with a special dedication. Want to add more personalization? Additional options include adding a child’s birthday, beloved toy, pet or sibling, a favorite food, a popular playground. Our books make the perfect gift. Personalize a book yourself or purchase a pre-paid gift certificate for a book to be personalized later.

Kids and participation

Today, I'll write on kids participation from the point of view of a mum of two. It's not easy to allow them such liberty, but, tried and tested as often as possible, this approach, gives results and allows the kids to take themselves more seriously.
Children participation can be defined as a well informed and voluntary involvement of children in matters concerning them. Children’s views can offer invaluable insights into childhood, its values and issues. Grownups involved in raising and educating children (I’m talking parents, carers, teachers, nurseries), can benefit from listening and encouraging children to express their views because that knowledge can be used to adapt their behaviour to the needs of the children, therefore increasing the quality of their relationships and the sense of self worth of the child.

  Participation from the point of view of a child is having the opportunity to express a view and influence decision making and maybe achieve some desirable change. Children can and should be allowed to decide on issues regarding their immediate personal interests so far as their involvement is well informed and taken seriously.

Grown ups, not only parents, but teachers and others that come in contact with children must be there to listen, to provide guidance, patience and respect, to act where action is necessary and to offer feedback, advice, information. Such attitude is a big step forward from what used to be the dominant ideology only a few decades ago:

 “Children should be seen not heard” – that was the main belief in England not too long ago.  It meant children should be seen doing what they are told, and not heard questioning and objecting (according to my grandparents). In those times, and sadly, but less frequently, nowadays, plenty of examples of adults suppressing children’s voices and belittling their protests when they demanded simple things such less rote learning and the abolition of corporal punishment.

Children’s rights

Nowadays, UNCRC recognized children participation as a liberty right along with their rights to provision and protection. These rights overlap. Children should be allowed to participate and get involved in decision making regarding their protection (health, safety) and provision (housing, education) because those are matters that concerns them.

Roger A. Hart. on Participation 
Children's Participation: The Theory and Practice of Involving Young Citizens in Community Development and Environmental Care

Hart’s thought of a model of participation that can be a useful tool in distinguishing participation from non-participation and exposing bad practice such as tokenism, decoration and manipulation.
Manipulation happens when children, for whatever reasons, are expressing not their own genuine views but those of the influential adults around them.

Decoration is a case when “children take part in an event or activity without understanding the context, issues” implications and purpose (Hart’s Ladder of Participation).

Tokenism happens when children are asked for an opinion but they have little choice about how they express it and what impact their answer will have. 

Children’s participation must be appropriate to their age and adapted to the children’s ability. Children’s participation in the decision making process should be  made fun and designed to engage them as much as possible, their input should be taken seriously end encouraged by the adults with plenty of positive feedback.

The ways of encouraging participation of children in matters that concerns them, must carefully selected according to their suitability. For example it is useless to ask small children open questions such as what would they like to have for lunch because they are very likely to ask for crisps and sweets (even when they are well aware that such treats are bad for their health). We, the foods and snacks providers,  should get more involved than that: Set up a participatory activity with the purpose of  deciding on the meals menu for the next week.
   Pictures of healthy foods would be given and the kids would be invited to arrange them in order of their preference in a ‘Top Five’. Most participatory activities, in order to work properly must have some ground rules that promote positive communication such as listening to what others are saying and taking turns to speak.
 In the last decade many books have been written on allowing children more space and power in the process of making a decision, whether is in the family, at school, at the kids' club and more. This

Kids learn what they live

Children Learn What They Live  By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Emotional Literacy and Kids Well-being

First parenting blog post from many others to follow will be about how can we, grown ups, can nurture social and emotional wellbeing of children.  Is ‘emotional literacy’ the answer? 

  The social and emotional wellbeing of children can be nurtured by building positive relationships through effective communication. Emotional literacy helps children understand, manage and communicate feelings, contributing to their emotional and social wellbeing.

A piece of old wisdom says that ‘it only takes two adults to make a child, but it takes the whole community to raise it’. And indeed, not only parents, but just as much carers, schools and communities can have a huge impact, positive or negative, upon the emotional, physical, intellectual, social and moral lives of children as they develop and interact with their environment.

The social wellbeing for children is the situation where children are happy; friendly; have high self esteem and confidence; have an ongoing interest in understanding the social world around them and interacting with it. 

An important dimension of social wellbeing is the emotional wellbeing – the ability to effectively communicate their feelings, understand and consider other people’s feelings and build positive relationships with their siblings, peers, family, teachers and practitioners.  Emotional literacy or emotional intelligence it is an important tool for achieving social skills and emotional wellbeing.

 The best thing that adults can do to help children achieve their full potential in social and emotional areas is set a good example and practice what they preach. Parents must think of themselves as tools for learning and model desirable behaviours. Children learn a lot by observing others, therefore all adults must display communication skills such as: expressing views clearly and non defensively; listening, empathy, politeness, respect. When asked to describe the “world’s worst health, education and social work professional”, children and young people, describe someone who doesn’t listen, unfriendly, rude, unapproachable, busy, boring, etc. This shows that, in a stressful world of personal insecurities and demanding jobs, communication skills and emotional literacy can fade sometimes, therefore we, the grown ups, must constantly be aware of and seek to improve our own behaviour, attitudes, social skills, emotional literacy and be friendly, honest, fair, respectful, patient and approachable. The result of this behaviour is rewarding for all parties: building positive relationships with children, increasing their self-esteem, helping them feel valued and safe, empower them, affirm their identity, encourage their creativity and help them build sustainable relationships with other people.

Ways of communication

Another way to help children is to acknowledge that children have a right to, and are able to, communicate their views and act accordingly.

Grown ups must understand children’s methods, reasons and obstacles of communication and seek to enable them to express their views from early infancy and throughout their lives. However, language and a rich vocabulary are not the only ways that children communicate.  Children’s play, drawing, music, art, storytelling, jokes and also general behaviour can communicate a lot to whomever pays attention. Children also respond well to those additional means of communication.  When I simply ask my children to tidy up, they usually ignore me, but if I write ‘Floor space taken. I can’t land’ on a paper aeroplane that magically lands on the windowsill, they get the message and the joke and enthusiastically respond by putting their toys away.  Books with their pictures and language are effective means of communication. A well chosen book can help a child understand and cope with  social and emotional issues such as birth, death, marriage, change, new experiences,…transitions, …key life events such as starting nursery, having a new baby in the family, or going to the doctor or dentist.  

Adults must also constantly consider that physical and emotional states; personality, social and cultural differences; environment and disability can obstruct a child’s ability to communicate, therefore additional ways to connect must be found.

Emotional literacy

Communication is not only about messages, facts, actions and events. People communicate about feelings and thoughts as well..

Emotional literacy is the ability to understand and manage emotions in oneself and in others and it needs to be modelled  more than  taught  because people are different and are affected by their and other’s emotions differently. Emotional literacy includes skills such as emotional control, recognising own emotional state, managing emotions, recognising other’s emotions, being able to be explicit about feelings, and being able to talk about talking.

A lack of emotional literacy negatively affects children’s ability to relate to adults, to build and maintain friendships and to be socially successful: Those children can be shy, withdrawn, inhibited or aggressive, impatient, critical, demanding... bossy. When they sense rejection, they don’t have the resources or the flexibility to change to another approach. Thus the cycle of rejection perpetuates itself.

 Dealing with bullying

In a stressful situation like bullying, children who lack emotional literacy are less likely to try to stop it or to seek help from others; they might become bullies themselves or might simply allow the bullying to continue, thus ending up with low self esteem and even attempted suicide.

Some schools, simply by providing a bully box are providing children with the opportunity to unload worries, problems and feelings that they cannot define,  helping them achieve the ability to define and manage feelings. Without such an opportunity, children are finding hard to focus on their study because their mind is preoccupied.

Parents have plenty opportunities to help children recognise their own and other people emotional states. This is a skill that can be taught and it is an important tool for managing feelings, thoughts and emotions. Wherever a child is in distress, the adult can help by listening, acknowledging and defining the feeling. This will make the child understand what is going on with his emotions and feel reassured, heard and accepted and enable him to control his emotions or solve the problem.

The power of example applies to emotional literacy as well. Shouting, ‘loosing it’, being brash and other emotional outbursts, are socially unacceptable behaviours associated with emotions. Parents should try (very hard sometimes)  to inhibit those and display socially acceptable reactions to upsetting situations. Suppose children are intentionally spilling paint on the floor. Perfect opportunity  to get the child to stop it and cooperate by describing the problem and asking for help in finding a solution:  The floor is dirty. Dirty floors are upsetting me because cleaning them will take time and energy. I wish someone could help me clean them. Then I would feel better and I would have time to help you paint.

Inhibited parent vs Impulsive

However we as parents must find a balance between too controlled and too impulsive, between a “professional behavior and being natural. As a result the children are tuned in to how we are feeling. Overdoing the professional behavior could result in desensitized children that would inhibit emotions. So, not all negative feelings should be hidden from the children. Stress, worry, tiredness, fear can be shared and explained to the children, so they can also observe how the adult deals with them and ultimately adopt positive coping strategies.

Children come across many difficulties and conflicts and during their day. Some can be prevented and solved simply by explaining to them that sharing, being polite, taking turns are beneficial to all. Some conflicts require negotiating and problem solving skills. When serious conflicts like bullying are solved by an adult, children have an opportunity to observe and acquire conflict solving skills. Often children should be also encouraged to solve their own conflicts and problems so their negotiation and conflict resolution skills can be formed and strengthened

        Therefore we can aid the social and emotional wellbeing of children by setting a good example, acknowledging that children have the right and ability to express their views, understanding the obstacles and the means of communication, listening, encouraging and facilitating communication. Emotional literacy is the way towards emotional and social wellbeing and the best way to help children achieve it,  is by setting a good example. Click to read Children learn what they live. 

I hope you enjoyed this first post, and that you'll leave some feedback and communicate your feelings and thoughts on the subject in the comments form. Next post will be about allowing the kids to participate in making decisions in matters concerning them.